yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
