PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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