Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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