I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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