i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
