just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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