i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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