apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
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She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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