thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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