You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm always down for nudity.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
