dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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