There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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