Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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