she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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