I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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