is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
