i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Randomize
