Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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