Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
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From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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