I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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