The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
