everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
