Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
