there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
