Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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