Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
what day is it and did you see me today?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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