i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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