I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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