I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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