When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
