PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
