does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
