M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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