My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
