i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
