i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
