Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
