if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just gargled with NyQuil
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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