At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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