hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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