you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
