The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
