i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
