he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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