How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
