I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
