Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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