Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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