Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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