god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
