If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
