I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
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I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
3pm strippers are depressing
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
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And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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