We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
