we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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