I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
