i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
A+ Viking dick
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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