Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
