my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
