so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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